Well, I’m finally on leave! It was a long-awaited event for me. And there is a whole story behind how I longed for and waited for this leave. It is this story that I want to describe in this article.
Somewhere around the third month of my service, I felt that there had to be some light at the end of the tunnel. That is, when you are in difficult circumstances, it is important to know that they will end someday, and that someday should be more or less clear. That is, it is very important for the psyche to know when these difficulties and sufferings will end. Viktor Frankl wrote about this in his famous book.
At first, I got hooked on a rather harmful “addiction.” While doing relatively monotonous work, I listened to the news on YouTube at the same time. And it was this mystical and mythical “freeze” that I set as my light at the end of the tunnel. Oh, how changeable and capricious that light was. My mood swung in different directions — sometimes I would hear some overly optimistic video saying that “the war will end tomorrow,” and then I would be inspired by it. Then I heard some expert foaming at the mouth, arguing that the war would go on for another 10 years, and then I fell into an emotional slump and was overcome with despair.
So I came to the conclusion that the light at the end of the tunnel and hope are better than a mythical “freeze of the war.” And you definitely shouldn’t look for hope in YouTube news, because it’s very contradictory and changeable. So I had to find the right replacement.
And then one day I had a brilliant idea. I decided that in January 2025, I would take a vacation. And that very day when I go on vacation will be the light at the end of the tunnel. And from that day on, I simply started counting the days, or rather, I started subtracting them. With each passing day, I was one day closer to my goal. It was a much more stable and achievable option. And so when things got tough, I could tell myself, “It’s okay, I’ll be on vacation in 38 days.”
But this system has its weak point. If what you’ve been waiting for doesn’t happen, then you’re in for a pretty strong psychological downer and general despair. As Viktor Frankl wrote, in such situations, people in concentration camps would hang themselves.
I found myself in just such a situation. I submitted a request for vacation, but they wrote back, “Not feasible.” This was because I couldn’t find a suitable replacement for myself during this period.
Yes, I was in a deep psychological slump and felt utterly desperate. Those were very difficult days… But I still managed to reset my mindset, explaining to myself that not getting a vacation right now was not the end of the world. I prepared myself for the fact that I could live without a vacation.
After some time, I was able to find a replacement (I will tell you who it was sometime, it’s a very interesting story). And finally, I was allowed to go on vacation!
An incredible feeling of freedom and the absence of constant fear, the opportunity to go home and see my family. It is difficult to convey in words how joyful this event was.
On the other hand, it is far from complete joy, because the war is not over… True joy and happiness will only come when peace finally arrives and I can return home completely. This is only a short 15-day break. And how quickly they fly by… As I write this article, I have only six days of leave left. Yes, I managed to do a number of things I had planned: I spent time with my family, visited various interesting cities, had my teeth treated, fixed all my things, and took care of the house a little. But still, more than half of my leave has passed so quickly…
And now a very difficult period awaits me. I knew it would come, my brothers warned me. This is the moment when I will have to return there… to this hell…
But I will cope, I will need to reprogram myself internally and psychologically, remember how I maintained my psychological state before, get ready and go. Moreover, I plan to write another report for leave four months after my return. So I just need to get through these four months, 120 days. I already have experience of getting through a six-month period, so I think I can handle four months :).
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